When in doubt… Follow your heart

A few months ago, I went back out to Thailand for a job. At first, it was great to be back in familiar surroundings and smells. Getting in the taxi at Bangkok Airport and immediately all the Thai language I had learnt when I lived there came back to me was the best feeling. Reuniting with friends, and all my students were the best but there was something missing, something not quite right.

Now the people that are close to me knew I was planning on going to Australia after my visit in Asia. Something I had wanted to do for a while but something didn’t feel right. Something didn’t feel right about getting on that plane to Thailand, I was literally sat on the plane at Manchester airport trying desperately to fight back the tears. I kept telling myself ‘you can do it, this is the right thing to do’ but something was missing like I didn’t belong there anymore and there was also a huge weight on my shoulders and annoying little voice in my ear saying ‘going to Australia isn’t the right thing to do’.

It was an odd feeling for me. I had always known what I wanted, always had a plan. Where I would go to next. What I would do and I was almost sure this was the right thing to do but a pit in my stomach was telling me it wasn’t. For once in my life, I wasn’t wanting to be so far away, I wanted a ‘normalish’ life if you will (although I still don’t really know what that is).

During my time back in Asia, I felt lost and scared. What was I going to do with my life? I felt lonely which was a strange feeling to me, to feel so lonely in a place that used to give me so much, that used to inspire me and that was probably the worst thing, the loneliness and the unknown. I don’t even know why I felt so lonely when I was surrounded by old and new friends. I guess something more was missing.

Do I get on that plane to Australia? OR Do I go home and figure out life from there? and that’s what I did, I booked a ticket back home and although it was a struggle to find a job when I got back, I eventually got one closer to home back in Spain and that 100kg weight that I felt on my shoulders was lifted and I felt like I was floating. I knew in this moment, that I had followed my heart and made the right decision. I felt relieved in a way that I had figured out that going back home was the right thing to do.

I will always have a love affair with Asia, that’s no secret. there’s so much more to discover but I should have left it in the past and not returned so soon after leaving. Now I know that. I will go back, I want to make it my mission to visit all the countries in South East Asia and with only 2 more to go, I will be back I have no doubt about it.

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